How to Rate Books & Movies

For better or for worse, the film has ended. The book is complete. You know what comes next.

Step 1: Stagger out of the theater or pry yourself off the sofa.

Step 2: If the story was epic and well-executed, gush words of approval and ovation. Or, if the story was….not so much of the above, cry with disappointment and bemoan what could have been.

Step 3: Take a deep breath, and move on with life. Or…are you kidding? The world needs to hear my churning, albeit calculated thoughts!

For those of us who always choose the latter option, we know what comes next. We’re hit with the reality that we’re meant to gather these emotions and exclamations and boil them into succinct mini-stories, lessons, and analysis for others to contemplate and enjoy.

Oh, the joys of movie reviewing.

The film reels through our minds over and over and over again, seeking to bake a thousand thoughts into digestible bits until finally, well-done musings transform into words and stream from our fingertips – something sensical beginning to congeal (a process in-and-of-itself, and to be examined at a later time). Now, a step back to reflect and….. gasp! What’s that?!

The most difficult, the most challenging, the most absurd element is missing.

THE RATING

Upon the end of our musings, a plethora of numbers, stars, and thumbs  beg us to somehow infuse all we think and feel, love and hate about a film into a quantitative appraisal.

WHAT?!

You’ve seen these examples before:

• 7.3 OUT OF 10

Is breaking down a film into hundredths really necessary?

• 3 SHINY STARS

But, but…what if I prefer moons as my celestial reviewing-body of choice? 4 half-moons! (wait, does that equal two full moons?)

• 2 THUMBS WAY UP!

Maybe I’m alone, but the last time we went to the theater, I don’t remember choosing the picture based on the direction of its thumbs.

All cynicism aside, there needs to be a rubric for determining what these thumbs, numbers, and shining objects equate to.

To make life all that much easier and stress-free, let’s go with a 10-star/point/number system.

Why a 10-star system? It makes it easy for those who like using their fingers. Or, it can be easily consolidated to a 5-star system for Goodreads users (with half-stars tossed into the mix, if Letterboxd is your kind of thing).

As a side note, for those of us who have who thrive on writing our own stories, there is something extra beneficial about this exercise. Examining books and movies with the purpose of figuring out WHY they worked or didn’t helps us continually learn how storytelling functions so that we can apply the great methods to our own works.

Without any additional delays, here is your pathway – complete with examples – for applying consistency when dishing out movie ratings (note that this system works for books and other art forms as well):

THE SYSTEM

• • 1 Star: Atrocious and couldn’t finish it.

    • Netflix’s ARQ
      Maybe the film wraps up with a decent ending. Maybe not. After 45 minutes of not caring about the characters, I really don’t mind never knowing.

  • 2 Stars: Atrocious and regrettably finished it.

    • Dragon Wars
      Confession time: I did appreciate this film, but only because it was the laughable brand of Oh-So-Awful. Especially when the opening titles transform from “Dragon Wars” to “D-Wars”.

  • 3 Stars: Terrible, but contains a few quality artistic moments/elements.

    • Burn After Reading
      Spoiler! The only likable character dies. Even the Coen brothers couldn’t save this mess.

  • 4 Stars: Personally did not enjoy it, but can appreciate that some parts have cinematic merit.

    • The Social Network
      Score = Brilliant. Cinematography = Brilliant. Editing = Brilliant. Acting = Brilliant. Overall Experience = Ugh. There might be one character worth rooting for. This film is definitely an experience, but not the one most are looking for.

  • 5 Stars: Nothing of excellence, but enjoyable enough to not be a waste of time.

    • Transformers (and most movies by the same director).
      Fun. Mildly interesting characters. Exhilarating in the moment. But, nothing worth writing home about at the price of postage.

  • 6 Stars: Not phenomenal or world-changing, but worth the viewing, enjoyable, and at the very least, mildly creative and/or insightful.

    • G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
      Better than it should be. Much better.

  • 7 Stars: Not quite excellent, but still better than an average movie and worthy of an occasional re-viewing.

    • National Treasure
      Totally nothing groundbreaking here. There’s little that pushes it into the upper echelon of ratings, but structurally, the story works, the characters are believable and well executed, and the narrative’s a blast. And it tugs on my history heart-strings. So there’s that.

  • 8 Stars: Excellent, and worthy to be viewed multiple times for both enjoyment and to study its cinematic qualities.

    • Super 8
      This film’s almost there. And by almost, I mean we’re really being nitpicky here. With one fairly major exception (I’ll leave you to discover it), you better have a strong magnifying glass to find the flaws.

  • 9 Stars: Almost a masterpiece. A well-rounded and phenomenally crafted film that deserves repeated viewings and study.

    • Kingdom of Heaven
      The extended cut, if you will. Mild battle fatigue is the one element that keeps the epicness from jumping into the top spot.

  • 10 Stars: Fantastic and entered into the exclusive All-Time-Favorite list. A masterpiece by all counts.

    • The King’s Speech
      The Lord of the Rings is also a shining 10-star achievement, but sometimes, other examples need to be considered too. The King’s Speech is just as much of a masterpiece and a bit more outside-the-box-of-a-choice. Imagine the brilliant execution of the aforementioned Social Network and replace horrid characters (read that as characters doing horrible things) with people whom we want to succeed.